The Sick Bug: A tried and true survival guide!

My friend Shannon has been supporting my writing from the beginning. She was the one who gave me that final nudge that I needed to actually start my blog. So, when she asked me to guest write for her I was happy to do so! Check out my post on her blog, My Sweet Wolf , for some real life suggestions to help deal with the winter "icks"! Yes, that's a technical term...read to find out more...The Sick Bug: A tried and true survival guide!

I know for a fact

In reviewing my past blog posts, I realized that there's one thing that I know for a fact. I know for a fact that I say "I know for a fact" a lot. Way too much (in fact). So it got me thinking...how many things do I actually know for a fact? Maybe I should compile a list of these things, kind of like when Oprah Winfrey did her "What I Know For Sure", but less poignant, more poorly written, and less covered in money. In order to help me with this quandary, I have invited my friend and fellow "mildly amusing cynic" Bethanee to co-write this post with me.

"Hi, Bethanee! :)" (I will be in mustard...like I've always dreamed)

"I hate you." (Nice, Bethanee. You will be in pink, because of that)

Ok, now that we have that out of the way... (Lisa mustard, Bethanee pink) I do know for a fact that Bethanee and I think we're Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph, only younger, less rich, and with a (slightly) smaller fan-base. We have come up with this list by combining our collective brain. Feel free to add your proven truths to the comments section of this post. I know for a fact that my readers can come up with some gems as well.

Things I know for a fact:


I know for a fact that pajama jeans do not look like designer jeans. 
(I don't care if they are made with DORMASOFT! They are glorified Maternity jeans.)



I know for a fact that, no matter how much everyone denies it, they all wanna get jiggy wit' it.
I  know for a fact that, while gettin' jiggy wit' the aforementioned  "it", everyone is embarrassed. 
I also know for a  fact that 99% of participants will experience post-jiggy remorse.


I know for a fact that caramel and sea salt together give me the chills...in a good way.
I know for a fact that Shop Rite donuts do the same for me. Don't ask. 


I know for a fact that my sister missed her calling as a stylist. 

Photographic Proof: 

I know for a fact that cheddar does indeed make everything better.
I know for a fact that feta also makes everything betta.
I know for a fact that goat cheese makes everything....um...nothing that makes sense rhymes with goat. Except for maybe bloat. I know for a fact that, despite the bloat, I'll take the goat.. 

I know for a fact that Michael Ian Black is under-appreciated. Also....call me. 



I know for a fact that Stanley Tucci is the hottest, old bald guy on Earth.
(...except for Michael Stipe)




I know for a fact that if everybody is a hipster then nobody is a hipster.

Sorry, hipster kitty

I know for a fact that you're humming Whitney Houston right now and you like it. 

I know for a fact that it really is just as satisfying to watch fat people get skinny as it is to watch skinny people get fat. 
(Imagine "The Biggest Winner" instead of "The Biggest Loser"?...cash cow. Just sayin')


I know for a fact that the following joke is the funniest joke of all time
I concur.

 "A Supreme Court in Georgia ruled that high school biology teachers were permitted to continue using the term 'evolution' when teaching their classes. However as a compromise, they must now refer to dinosaurs as 'Jesus horses'."- Jimmy Fallon

I know for a fact that Craigslist is like crack to the middle class housewife....ok maybe just to me.

I know for a fact that nobody cares about your tweets. You're not a celebrity. Just stop. Now.
No, we're serious. Stop. Really. 


I know for a fact that I can't post half of the things Bethanee is saying.


I know for a fact that my child is going to need therapy
I know for a fact that my child is going to need therapy

While writing this post, I stumbled across the Urban Dictionary definition of "I know for a fact". It defines this phrase as "an introductory phrase used before an argumentative point is made to make your point seem valid, even though it most likely is not. Commonly seen as an immediate red-flag to someone who has no idea what they are talking about and an early sign that what they are about to say has absolutely zero evidence to back it up." Well, ok, Urban Dictionary...on that note!

"I look like a drunken beaver"- Lisa

"I'm not what you would call 'a handsome man'"- Bethanee

We went searchin' through thrift store jungles...

For the sake of this post we're going to use "thrifting" as a verb. Now that we have that out of the way...

Thrifting is an adventure. It can most accurately be described as some sort of exotic excursion where its you against the elements in a "kill or be killed" battle for that one treasure hidden among the poisonous weeds and vicious predators. For a trip like that, first you would dream up the concept. Then you would figure out where you're going. Then you would map out a plan of attack and defense. Then you dig, dig, dig. For my sister and I, a day like this requires forethought...kind of. At the very least, it winds up scheduled in my phone, which is as good as written in stone! (hey that rhymes)

I'm not exactly what you would call an "early riser", but Lauren (the sister I speak of, who's closet I frequently reference) likes to get a jump on the day. So on this particular day in December we decided 8:30 would be the departure time and we had one destination- Goodwill in Paramus, NJ. I had never been to this one before, but Lauren had...and she was confident we would score big time. 

So tired. The alarm clock goes off and the war paint gets applied.

We say we're going to leave at 8:30 but in actual Lisa/Lauren language this means 9:15. By the time I get all of my children dressed (I only have one) get coffee made (press a button), and snacks packed, (already made the day before) we still have to take the long drive to Lauren's house. (She lives 40 seconds down the road) So, it's understandable we'd be a little late. We're only human. But, in any case, we're prepared...

Coffee, homemade apple muffins, lemon ricotta cookies, biscotti, and water. Gotta stay hydrated. 

Thrifting breakfast of champions

My sis, her boy Hauk, Lana, and I pile into her car. Off we go! Now, this particular day was rather exciting. Goodwill was having a 40% off sale on all apparel and shoes. On top of that there was a half price deal on certain colored tags! The palpitations start. I can't quite explain the rush of the hunt unless you've ever experienced something similar. Maybe you're an actual hunter. (probably not) Then, you would know what I mean. Also, the adrenaline high I get from my sister's energy is downright inexplicable. It's contagious. Her magical force field of excitement gets transferred to me and we're ready to go. As we pull up to the glass windows, she's already eyeing up some things on the front rack. Then, there's usually some sort of ground rule. This day was no exception. As our children are spilling out of the car with all of their crumbs and drool (Well, the drool is all Hauk. He's perpetually soggy...) she makes her proclamation... 

"Listen. Here's the deal. If you see anything crochet, pass it my way!" 

(Hey, that rhymes too...no wonder we're twins)

I agree to her terms and add no further stipulations of my own. We grab our carts, divide, and conquer. I am pretty sure everybody in that place hated us that day. At least all of the sales associates did. Hauk is pulling things off of the racks left and right. I know for a fact that there's an entire Rock Band set for the Wii scattered throughout that store. If you can find it I'll give you extra credit. Meanwhile, Lana is using her keen sense of style to dress herself as we shop. 

I have to give her my congratulations at this point, since this little look she put together is rather charming.

I need to take a moment to say that women in Goodwill are relentless. I almost had my cart swiped twice. And, I don't know what the difference is in Paramus, but it's worse. Maybe there's some sort of central Jersey "spirit" rushing through that store. Maybe it was pre-holiday mayhem I was feeling. Whatever it was, it was intense. I most certainly had a cart stalker. She would just pop up out of nowhere, her little beady eyes peeking in between the racks of ugly Christmas sweaters. She got progressively bolder as the morning went along. She even commented, "Wow, you have some good things in your cart." (Yeah, yeah...thanks for noticing. Move along. I think there's a mechanical reindeer calling your name over there...) For the record, we really did have some good things in our carts. 

Photographic proof

The fitting rooms in this place are a joke, so Lauren tries on a pretty sweet look right in the aisle

We start weeding through our carts and removing the things that are hideous. At this point the kids are hitting meltdown mode. So, we make our way to the register. Oh, this has to be my favorite part! I've done a tally in my head of how much everything should come to, but that's before discounts. So, I'm trying to figure out if I can add the most amazing lamp to my loot when this weirdo comes out of nowhere and strikes up a conversation. I would like to take a moment to talk about checkout line etiquette. It's ok to say hello. It's ok to briefly comment on the volcanic mound of clothes my sister and I have in our carts...after all it's exploding and spewing molten, hot vintage lava all over the place. But, the second you start talking to me about your life or how the thrift store here is better or there is better or "Wow, did you see the forecast for the weekend?" I'm going to TUNE YOU OUT. This guy was relentless, too. He was saying something about a Veteran's thrift store down the road and then he started giving me (unsolicited) directions to something and...thank goodness!! It's our turn to check out. 

I can't speak highly of the speed at which this lady was ringing Lauren up. I think it took a good 20 minutes to get through her mangled mess of crochet and wool. But, I had the kids occupied and my nephew was pretending to "ride a camel" (That didn't need quotes. But, I like it that way.) through the housewares section so it worked out ok. We played kid and cart relay and swapped when it was my turn at the checkout line. And, my grand total was...

$80!!!

That might seem like a lot for Goodwill, but you should see the amount I got for that. I got Lana an entire wardrobe, practically. And, after losing 20 lbs in the last year (moment of celebration! woohoo!) I was able to get myself some clothes that actually fit. That's always a good thing. My cart was packed. We got some vintage things for the store and I did wind up getting that amazing lamp I spotted when "relentless line talker" was distracting me. 

"I love lamp." 

We made our way home with the satisfaction of knowing that we braved this particular thrift store jungle. Our children were alive, our trunk was full, and, in the battle of "kill or be killed"...we most definitely killed. Onto our next adventure...!