I know for a fact

In reviewing my past blog posts, I realized that there's one thing that I know for a fact. I know for a fact that I say "I know for a fact" a lot. Way too much (in fact). So it got me thinking...how many things do I actually know for a fact? Maybe I should compile a list of these things, kind of like when Oprah Winfrey did her "What I Know For Sure", but less poignant, more poorly written, and less covered in money. In order to help me with this quandary, I have invited my friend and fellow "mildly amusing cynic" Bethanee to co-write this post with me.

"Hi, Bethanee! :)" (I will be in mustard...like I've always dreamed)

"I hate you." (Nice, Bethanee. You will be in pink, because of that)

Ok, now that we have that out of the way... (Lisa mustard, Bethanee pink) I do know for a fact that Bethanee and I think we're Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph, only younger, less rich, and with a (slightly) smaller fan-base. We have come up with this list by combining our collective brain. Feel free to add your proven truths to the comments section of this post. I know for a fact that my readers can come up with some gems as well.

Things I know for a fact:


I know for a fact that pajama jeans do not look like designer jeans. 
(I don't care if they are made with DORMASOFT! They are glorified Maternity jeans.)



I know for a fact that, no matter how much everyone denies it, they all wanna get jiggy wit' it.
I  know for a fact that, while gettin' jiggy wit' the aforementioned  "it", everyone is embarrassed. 
I also know for a  fact that 99% of participants will experience post-jiggy remorse.


I know for a fact that caramel and sea salt together give me the chills...in a good way.
I know for a fact that Shop Rite donuts do the same for me. Don't ask. 


I know for a fact that my sister missed her calling as a stylist. 

Photographic Proof: 

I know for a fact that cheddar does indeed make everything better.
I know for a fact that feta also makes everything betta.
I know for a fact that goat cheese makes everything....um...nothing that makes sense rhymes with goat. Except for maybe bloat. I know for a fact that, despite the bloat, I'll take the goat.. 

I know for a fact that Michael Ian Black is under-appreciated. Also....call me. 



I know for a fact that Stanley Tucci is the hottest, old bald guy on Earth.
(...except for Michael Stipe)




I know for a fact that if everybody is a hipster then nobody is a hipster.

Sorry, hipster kitty

I know for a fact that you're humming Whitney Houston right now and you like it. 

I know for a fact that it really is just as satisfying to watch fat people get skinny as it is to watch skinny people get fat. 
(Imagine "The Biggest Winner" instead of "The Biggest Loser"?...cash cow. Just sayin')


I know for a fact that the following joke is the funniest joke of all time
I concur.

 "A Supreme Court in Georgia ruled that high school biology teachers were permitted to continue using the term 'evolution' when teaching their classes. However as a compromise, they must now refer to dinosaurs as 'Jesus horses'."- Jimmy Fallon

I know for a fact that Craigslist is like crack to the middle class housewife....ok maybe just to me.

I know for a fact that nobody cares about your tweets. You're not a celebrity. Just stop. Now.
No, we're serious. Stop. Really. 


I know for a fact that I can't post half of the things Bethanee is saying.


I know for a fact that my child is going to need therapy
I know for a fact that my child is going to need therapy

While writing this post, I stumbled across the Urban Dictionary definition of "I know for a fact". It defines this phrase as "an introductory phrase used before an argumentative point is made to make your point seem valid, even though it most likely is not. Commonly seen as an immediate red-flag to someone who has no idea what they are talking about and an early sign that what they are about to say has absolutely zero evidence to back it up." Well, ok, Urban Dictionary...on that note!

"I look like a drunken beaver"- Lisa

"I'm not what you would call 'a handsome man'"- Bethanee