Lana's Greatest Hits 2012

It's that time of year again!
"What time?" you ask, "The time for hot chocolate and sledding and mittens and scarves, and the reflection of lights on snow, and laughter and cheer?"
To which I'll respond, "No. But knock yourself out with all of that if that's what you're into. Also, that was a run-on sentence."

It's the time of year when I compile the best of the completely insane things that my child has said over the past 365 days and wrap them up in a pretty little package to gift to you for your delight. Just because. You're welcome.
In case you forgot, this is my 2011 edition.

I've been avoiding typing this out because last year's is going to be hard to top, but I'll give it a go! Why do I have to "top" anything, anyway? Let's just share a moment of hearty laughter together, deal? Hooray! Lana is as weird (cute) as ever...I'm pretty sure that's never going to change. And I really don't want it to! In fact, could we please just place a gigantic pause button on that crack in time and space and just keep her 7 forever? (Can you tell Ryan and I have been watching Dr. Who lately?). I'd be much obliged. And, in case you forgot who her father was, this riveting conversation I had with him the other day should jog your memory:

Me: Ry, could you get me more food?
Ry: Lana can do it. I'm decapitated.
Me: Your head got cut off? Or do you mean incapacitated?
Ry: That too.

So, in light of the impeccable genealogy from which she springs, it's no surprise she would come out with a few doozies. Enjoy!

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Lana: I feel like you're the big compartment building and Dad is just a building.
Me: What do you mean?
Lana: I honestly have no idea

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"Well, now that I see this pinkeye I don't like it at all. It looks like a crusty jungle in there."

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"I really don't like jazz. It's too 'hand-y' and 'finger-y' and makes me all **dramatic shudder**"- Lana, while trying to choose which dance class to take

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Lana: This guy on TV must be rich. He has everything I've ever wanted.
Me: Like what?
Lana: He has stairs in his house

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Me: So, do you want to save up for the Spanish "American Girl" doll?
Lana: Yeah, I mean I do, but how can I communicate with her?! I don't even speak Spanish. I speak Italian.
(Nope.)

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"I like baby cups. Don't judge me." - Lana, after requesting her juice a baby cup

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"It's raining clams and sea urchins out there"- Lana, during a storm

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"Hey, tomato face"- Lana, greeting me after my run

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"I'm on team chocolate"- Lana, siding with our African American friend during a football game.

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"God is like a big satellite dish and Satan is like a paper cut"
(I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this one out and I'm coming up empty, but for some reason it kind of makes sense)

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Fortune cookies are always a family favorite. Side bar- do you notice how they're not even fortunes AT ALL lately? They're just odd sayings, strange truths, and little life nuggets to sustain you while you're chowing down on some "not quite sweet enough" stale confection that you wind up regretting eating cause it wasn't worth the calories. Well I've noticed. And I don't know if I'm ok with it.

Me, reading my fortune cookie: "'Don't forget you are always on our minds"...haha..weird. Who's mind?
Lana: Probably the Chinese people

This would have been Lana's first choice for "first day of first grade" outfit. But, I managed to sway her in a slightly less "weirdest kid in the class" direction...consisting of just a few less fedoras. Although she does look fedorable in this look (see what I did there?)

I have to say though, my favorite of this year has got to be this little gem which, oddly enough, I'll take as a compliment:

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Me: I guess I should put some makeup on so I don't scare people.
Lana: You scare people when you put makeup on. You look like Darth Vader's wife or something.

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Oh, my little one. Don't ever change.
(and by 'don't ever change' I mean 'maybe modify the quirkiness slightly cause I'm not sure if the public is ready for TWO fedoras at once')





PS: Yes, for the 7 of you that viewed this right away, I initially titled it "Lana's Greatest Hits 2013"....so sue me. It's late and it's snowing out and blah blah blah....I do know it's 2012. I just asked a Mayan. Ok, thanks bye. 

Read this! It's funner!

I apologize in advance if this post is not entirely grammatically correct. But, I just have to vent about grammar without worrying about whether I'm going to get called out for imperfection myself! After all, I'm only a blogger. I'm not a multi-million dollar company with access to major television networks, tv shows, and our children's impressionable minds.Therefore, I have much less responsibility when it comes to this subject. (With great power comes great responsibility, know what I mean?) "What the heck are you talking about, Lisa?", you might ask. Let me explain.

 I was going about my daily activities (over-documenting everything, under-cleaning everything...) and that was when I heard it. It was an uptempo jingle blaring from the glowing orb of brain-melting entertainment in the corner of the living room. "Everybody say cheese! It's funner!". So, (being the word nerd that I am) I had to stop, take pause, and listen again. And there it was again, like an enthusiastic anthem of stupidity... "Say cheese! It's funner!". This horrific abomination of proper grammar came from a Chuck E. Cheese's commercial. That's right. This is a commercial that targets children. The main character, a pizza loving mouse, has apparently morphed into an 80s rockstar with a penchant for murdering the English language. I had to stop for a second and shake my head side to side just to make sure I didn't somehow forget the word "funner" in my arsenal of adjectives, and adverbs, and pronouns (oh my!).... But, unfortunately it wasn't in my brain because the word doesn't exist. Now, I don't consider myself a Chuck E. Cheese's aficionado but I can tell you I do not have a fondness for their campaigns. The last one, "Where a kid can be a kid", was pretty much the marketing equivalent to "It is what it is" (Which happens to be simultaneously the dumbest and most frustrating phrase ever coined. But, I digress because that could be a whole post on its own...mental note...) Of course my kid can be a kid. Because my kid is a kid. And, although this frustrated me, I could see what they were trying to do with that one. There is a certain merit in letting a child flourish in an environment where they can be child-like. Heck, I'll take my kid for overpriced pizza and games for a day and walk away happy that I let her get her energy out and just "be a kid". I think they actually still use that catch phrase in their advertisements. But, "Say cheese, it's funner!" takes this company to a whole new level of frustration for me. It seriously makes me want to boycott the entire franchise. Now, I have to say, I may be the only person in the country who has never taken my child to a Chuck E. Cheese's establishment. I wish it was because we had some sort of moral dilemma against going, but seriously there isn't a place close enough to us and we have never had the desire to go. However, I may not want to ever visit after this marketing catastrophe. It's bad enough our kids think in "text speak". Do we really have to make up words in our advertisements too? We always talk about the "dumbing down of America" . Well, this is just another notch on the old  belt. And, while I understand that the television should not be responsible for teaching our children proper grammar, I'd like to think this company would feel mildly responsible for at least speaking correctly since their target audience is ready and willing to absorb whatever is thrown at them. (Apparently I was exposed to some marketing featuring "run on sentences" when I was in my formative years) I guess I'm giving them too much credit.

"Language murdering pizza land"  isn't the only company to frustrate me with their willy nilly use of words. In fact every time I see an Apple ad that says "Think Different." my brain automatically adds a "ly". I guess this is a bit of a paradox because if I'm thinking differently then I should be ok with "Think Different." but I'm not. So I guess I'm not such a different thinker after all. (If you followed that on the first read, you get a gold star.) If a company like Apple can get away with artistic license when it comes to grammar (And, yes...I own an iPhone...) I guess I can cut this mouse some slack. He just annoys me with his little guitar, catchy jingle, and money hungry ways. At least he could speak correctly. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. "Fun" is a good enough word on it's own, isn't it? It happens to be the name of one of my favorite bands and also the title of the award winning (nope) Spongebob Squarepants hit "F.U.N." (F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me...)

As I was typing out this blog post, the commercial just came on again. This conversation transpired:

Me: Lana, you know "funner" isn't a word, right?
Lana: "Say cheese, it's funner...umm...funner? Fun?"
Me: It should be "Say cheese, it's more fun!" or "It's fun!"
Lana: You're right. Funner doesn't sound that cool.

I agree wholeheartedly. You know what's the coolest? Not talking like an idiot. This whole mess has made me want to stay away from the cheesy mouse forever. (...or maybe just stop in and play Guitar Hero and run out real quick??) Although, I just found out that they serve beer and wine. And, while I don't make it a habit to drink before noon, an 11:00 AM Chuck E. Cheese's glass of  wine may be just what I need to get through that experience.

Now, excuse me while I go finish making dinner. Tonight it will be delicious-er and nutritious-er than ever. No tokens required!

(No mice or apples were harmed in the making of this post so I appreciate not being sued for my opinions. Thanks a fundle bundle! Making fun is funner than being serious.)