A tribute

Everything is different now

I'm trying not to let myself feel

Fighting the fibers of fear

Still, it's forcing its way...

From toes to fingertips to shoulders to temples

It ripples through tendrils and shouts with my steps

Fear of unknown keeps a girl up at night

Fear of what's known is a much deeper fright

Darling children, I remember you laughing 

And I will never forget. 

Life will move in patterns and waves 

Circle around us in shapes and songs

In the curve of the trees

in the fiery sunsets 

On the sandy shores, breezes swirling 

Shifting tides

The world will move on

And with turning of seasons I promise I will never forget. 

Normal is nonexistent,

Pain takes the place of sane, inexplicably senseless, never the same.

Struggling for words. I will never forget.

I have a hope.

 A pinhole of light in a day filled with night

It's hard to remember when the world is in shadows

Still, it's forcing its way...

From toes to fingertips to shoulders to temples

It ripples through tendrils and shouts with my steps

A hope that is bright

Helps a girl sleep at night. 

Dedicated to all of those who lost loved ones in the Sandy Hook shooting.

And those of us who are still struggling with it all.
Ps. 147:3

Just some stream of consciousness...

Stained Glass Eyes

There exists a thread that binds our lives

With precision it pierces inside and slides 

effortlessly through souls, then perfectly ties.

Invisible, Untouchable, Indestructible

A thread, soaring in a stream of love 

Arrayed in lines of blue and gray.

Today, I see with stained glass eyes a truth that can only be read in black and white.

Squinting to gain some sense of sight

A kaleidoscope kind of fight at night. 

Streams of light, so bright

Ignite the plight that can't seem right.

 Stacked in jewels that shimmer alone

But together, they shine in explosions of crystal color. 

Alone they sparkle

But are unstoppable when united

This truth slips through stacks of colored sand

Impossible to understand. 

Not planned. Pained

And it's painted in perfect brush strokes 

Spoken in hugs and smiles and sighs

A truth that cries out in a language we can't translate.

But we wait. 

Earth gives way to seed and grass and in time

 the past is a mist in the distance

A cloud of laughter, a glance, a chance once more

for the thread to soar, or at least for peace. 

Inspired

I try not to take myself too seriously. But, I guess sometimes life is serious. When things get heavy, the one true outlet I've always had is writing. Words are like Sunday mashed potatoes to my soul. When they come at the right time, they leave me feeling comforted and calm.
(Also, maybe a little fat...the mashed potatoes, not the words)

I realize that poetry is an acquired taste. I also feel like its one of the few art forms where there are more artists than people who appreciate the art, if that makes any sense at all. Nobody visits the Sistine Chapel and thinks "Eh, that's no big deal." But, read someone an intensely personal poem you wrote (IT'S MY MASTERPIECE!! YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS!!) and they may just react that way. I have this vision where I picture a room full of 400 tortured writers spewing deep personal truths to an audience of maybe 6 people who are half paying attention.

So, to the 6 of you who are half paying attention- please feel free to skip this blog post if it isn't your cup of tea. It's December and I'm reflecting. And my readers get to enjoy (endure??) my reflections. 

INSPIRED

I've been spinning on this sphere

for 32 years

Unfounded fears

It all happens so fast..falling, at last.

At least 

When I fall in my dreams I wake up

Backwards, cascading curls swirling

Tumbling in a heap of glittery stars

...and scars.

My heart is knocking at the walls of my chest

No rest.

Day and night, the pounding pace

Darkness amplifies the bass

The race, the chase

I'll never catch it or even try

to fetch it, faster...

Face it. 

And, the air is so heavy

I feel it bearing down my back 

Relentless and cold

Old shoulders, soldiers

Smoldering with boulders of 

weightless force

Forcing this course

Reflections, remorse

Instantly, in a glass smashing, car crashing

heat rising, ears ringing

birds screaming, tears streaming
skip of a beat...

It will stop being

Lost, nobody tells you the cost

Joy and pain 

Loss and gain

Smiles still remain

We bear the brunt of the days behind us

Chains bind us 

But broken, they're strange

Hoping for change

Trying to arrange for inspiration 

adoration

365 days of elation

Breathe

Find solace in silence

My child is not what you would call a "normal" kid

For anyone who knows my daughter, Lana, the title of this post will not come as a surprise to you. She is the most fascinating and simultaneously the oddest, darkest, most twisted 6-year old I know. I should have known she was going to look at life a little slanted when she had this conversation with my brother at the ripe age of 2 and a half years old:

Lana: Uncle Matt, I scared.
Matt: What are you scared of?
Lana: I scared of triangles.

Normal, right? But, I love it. "Yes", you say. "Every Mom thinks their kid is awesome." And, to this accusation I will give you a pat on the head and say "You're right." But I felt that, in order to support my point, I could present you with a "Best of Lana 2011". I have chronicled some of her strangest moments this year. So, without further ado, I present to you...

LANA'S GREATEST HITS 2011

"No wonder you picked out the name Lana for me. It means log water"
(It does not)
--
Lana: Mom, I know you're allergic to cats. What else are you allergic to?
Me: Nothing, hun. That's it.
Lana: Listen, Mom. I went to Medical School when I was 8. I can help you.
(bear in mind my daughter is 6)
--
In Musical Theatre class:

Lana's teacher: We're going to a party! What is everyone bringing?!
Normal kids: cupcakes! gifts! party hats!
Lana: .....driftwood.
Teacher: Driftwood?! Why driftwood, Lana?
Lana: Because I like driftwood. And then if the electricity goes out, we have something to burn for heat.
--
"Mama, sorry you're sick. Do you think you have the Bieber fever?"
--

"Mama, your arm is kind of like a pancake. You need to work out. You're starting to lose weight and now you need to win weight"
(we really should call it "winning" weight, shouldn't we? spread that one like wildfire)
--
"Gary is really rockin' this party" - Lana, in reference to a friend of ours who fell asleep at a party
--
"I'm gonna miss that little diddle. He was like a son to me."- Lana, in reference to Jesus' death...
--
"Now that's what I call weird!" - Lana, examining a wrench
--
Me: Sometimes people want to do what's right but they still do bad things
Lana: Do you?
Me: Yep! Even Mamas make mistakes, too!
Lana: Welcome to the Dark Side. We've been expecting you. 

And my personal favorite...which pretty much sums it up perfectly...

"Mom, you don't understand. It's like we're living in two different worlds. You're in a world of Unicorns and I'm in a world of Unicorns and Fighting Robots."

Now, if you know me even remotely well, you'll probably say "Lisa, did you really expect to have a normal kid?" to which I'll respond "touche". I'm not exactly what you would call a "normal" girl. And, bear in mind this is the offspring of the man who once had this conversation with me:

Me: I'm so self deprecating.
Ryan: You poop yourself?
Me: No, hun. That's self defecating.
Ryan: Same thing

So, it's no surprise she has some odd things going on in that brain of hers. But, truth be told, I wouldn't have her any other way, driftwood and all. To borrow a line from one of her favorite movies, Alice in Wonderland, my daughter is entirely bonkers. But, I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.